Okay, so I know that I haven't posted in a long time, but life has been full of twists and turns lately. As a result I have been doing a lot of introspective analysis of myself as I have been battling self doubts. The good news is that I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel and some of my load shall be taken off my shoulders soon. The bad news is that I still have a lot of personal questions that I still need to answer.
When I wrote my last comment a friend of mine tried to take our relationship past its boundaries and it really hurt. I really trusted and respected this person and was devastated by his desire to jeopardize our friendship for what could never be. As a result, because he often complemented my skill in league, I became confused and untrusting of his real reason for admiring me, as well as all others. I had a hard time trusting people who complemented me while playing darts and flirted with me at the same time. I did not want to be considered someone who is great to be around because of my flirtatiousness and their desire. In this environment I wanted my dart playing to be the first along with my character, and desire to never interfere. I immediately saw my playing go down and my desire to play all but vanished and darts became a chore.
My doubt as to the reasons that I was welcomed in these networks just ended up cascading into a tumult of events, some of them personal which I shall not share here and others that are factor of life and just could not be avoided.
Since I last posted here, I have been informed by the county that I most definitely have an $8,000 hospital bill. Yeah! I remember sitting outside of Starbucks relating the story to Mike and all I could do was laugh (somewhat hysterically at times). Sean’s car broke down and cost us $900 to fix. I am currently trying to save up so that I can take my car in to fix it so that I can take it in for a smog check in May. I finally got a job at a retirement community, doing HR/Payroll work. I like the work, it’s is something I’ve done before and the hours are slightly flexible, but it is only a temp. position and I fear that by the end of December I will be out looking for another place to work. I do know that I won’t miss the commute, two hours to get to work is a bit much for me. At least it will get me through Christmas. Sean and I should have at least enough money to by Will a bunch of cars.
The last two weeks have been the hardest and perhaps the most productive. Now that Sean’s band season is over he has been able to take over watching Will in the evenings so that I can try and catch up on my homework and prepare for my finals, which I might add are next week. I CAN’T WAIT! Last week my 15-year old brother got into a high speed chase all over Sunnyvale and Mountain View. He ended up with 3 felonies and 2 misdemeanors. Fortunately the stolen property charge is being dropped and he should only have 2 felonies.
School is going pretty good. I finally got my AA in June and I now need just two more classes before I can transfer. I recently applied to SJSU and am also in the process of applying to SCU. Most likely I will go to SJSU because I can’t afford SCU.
So anyway, that is me in the last few months. I am emotionally doing better. My friend and I have started down the path of trying to recover our relationship. My darts have started to improve as my self-esteem begins to heal. Money problems still exist, but I am taking them one at a time.
MISS YOU ALL!
Fri, Sep. 9th, 2005, 03:53 am
Somethings happened tonight. I don't really wish to elaborate as to what. I'll I wish to say is that I feel mentally drained and emotionally destroyed. It may take a few weeks before I'm back to normal.
Can't wait to see what I dream about tonight.
Mon, Aug. 29th, 2005, 03:44 pm
I'm so happy right now. I just got a phone call from the County of Santa Clara and received some great news, instead of having to fork over 10,000 dollars for a hospital bill, I only have 3,000 to pay. Thank God! That's a much better number to absorb. Sean and I aren't going to be living on the streets after all.
Mon, Aug. 15th, 2005, 08:55 pm
70% SCIENTIFIC INTUITION and
47% EMOTIONAL INTUITION</b>
|The graph on the right represents your place in Intuition 2-Space. As you can see, you scored about average on emotional intuition and above average on scientific intuition.Keep in mind that very few people score high on both! In effect, you can compare your two intuition scores with each other to learn what kind of intuition you're best at. Your scientific intuition is stronger than your emotional intuition.
Your Emotional Intuition score is a measure of how well you understand people, especially their unspoken needs and sympathies. A high score score usually indicates social grace and persuasiveness. A low score usually means you're good at Quake.
Your Scientific Intuition score tells you how in tune you are with the world around you; how well you understand your physical and intellectual environment. People with high scores here are apt to succeed in business and, of course, the sciences.
|My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:|
||You scored higher than 99% on Scientific|
||You scored higher than 99% on Interpersonal|
Sat, Aug. 13th, 2005, 10:49 am
You know what's great about being down, there is always that one person who you are willing to listen too, who's words just have the ability to pick you right back up.
Thu, Aug. 11th, 2005, 02:46 am
The more time I spend in this world, the more I realize how much I don't miss it. God! How could I have ever longed to come back here? I now remember why I said farewell so many years ago. I was tired of the repetition, the monotony of everyday life, our glutinous lives that consisted of achieving nothing and consuming everything. I forgot what this world really entailed, how taxing the luxuries really are. Not just on the body, but on the spirit as well. I believe that I needed to be reminded of what I discarded so quickly and why I chose to do so. I now no longer hold the illusion that it was I who was abandoned before, left to fend for myself in my darkest hour. No, it was I who left for the promise of more, for an indescribable calling, almost as if my path was beckoning to me. I forgot that. Somewhere along the line, between the trials and errors, the struggle to not only survive but prevail, I lost me. I lost what truly made me, me. I needed to go back to the basics, to reacquaint myself with the building blocks of my character, to acknowledge the importance of that time in my life, and most importantly, to understand why I needed to move on. I finally understand that now, yet it is one of the hardest and saddest things I have ever had to accept.
Tue, Aug. 9th, 2005, 12:22 am
After a pleasant evening of drinking and chatting, I'm off to bed. Can't say too much more, because that alone was hard enough to type. Although, I did get some good news, my teacher finally finished all of her grading, looks like I’ll be getting A’s in both of my summer classes. That’s always exciting news.
Sun, Aug. 7th, 2005, 01:19 am
If anyone would like to commiserate their old age with me on Tuesday, August 16, I will be in need of some company as on that day I will be feeling very strongly just how much the years have passed by me. Yes, that’s right; I will be another day older and one year younger. I’ve decided this year that instead of adding a year to my age, I’m going to start subtracting. It sounds like a novel plan to me and it is something that I believe will catch on and become a new trend amongst all those who feel a little too young for their age.